Hurrah for Teensy Cokes!

Today, as I do about two or three times a week in good weather, i walked a few blocks to the nearest bodega and bought myself a can of Coke. Do i like or need all that sugar? No. I just like to have a “target” for my walks around the neighborhood. So i aim for the bodega and buy the cheapest thing they have. I’ve done it so often, i could locate that bodega’s 12-ounce Cokes blindfolded. Today, however, i had a shock. When i slid open the cold-case door, i grabbed the first small Coke in the lineup. They have 16-ounce cans on a higher shelf, but that is way too much Coke for a single human, in my opinion, and i would never buy anything in a plastic bottle.( See how ecological i am, as i pour sugar down my throat?) Anyway, I spun around and handed the clerk a dollar bill as i always do, only to have him hand me back a quarter.

“It’s only 75 cents?” i asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “Seventy-five.”

Wow, i thought: The price went down! Only then did i notice: The can i’d grabbed, only two inches in diameter and four inches high, contained seven-point-five ounces of soda.

GOOD! i’m paying less, and, bonus: I’m drinking less crap on my way home. I mean, six swallows and i’m back on Bayview Terrace! That’s the American Way, friends. G-d Bless America!

Check out this teensy beauty!

Suggestion for All "Action-Adventure" Movies

Recently my husband and I watched, on Netflix, an old movie called “Casino Royale.” I had mentioned to him (I forget in what context) during dinner that I had never seen a James Bond movie. Tim was scandalized, and we repaired to the livingroom to watch Daniel Craig driving, shooting, fighting and playing poker. Nearly three hours later, it mercifully ended. (The movie, not our marriage.) Tim thoroughly enjoyed it, and sat another 20 minutes watching the credits.

As for me: I’m proud to say that I had heroically stayed awake for some of it.

The experience, though, gave me an idea that I hope will be implemented by producers of movies of the kind that are usually called “Action-Adventure.” It would save them millions in production costs and bless viewers with many free hours in which they can do more interesting and useful things, like working on the Wordle, or sleeping.

Here it is: Instead of filming scenes of the Good Guy jumping from one rooftop to another, or running to the end of a steel I-beam that’s being swung to the top of a skyscraper and leaping off only to land unharmed in a dumpster that apparently is filled with feathers or pillows or feather-pillows, or being shot at by the Bad Guy who keeps missing until the Good Guy finally falls and lands, oddly, on his back but gets off a clever line while the Bad Guy, snearing, goes to shoot him while standing practically right over him but it turns out he’s out of bullets so he just throws his gun at the Good Guy but the Good Guy rolls away so now it’s a fair fight … instead of all these, movies should just stop and instead put onscreen the words, “[“FIGHT ENSUES. GOOD GUY WINS/LOSES.” or, “CHASE ENSUES. AFTER MUCH CLINGING TO ROOFTOPS, HANGING FROM PLANES’ LANDING GEAR, FALLING INTO DUMPSTERS, NEARLY DRIVING INTO AMBULANCES OR INTO PLANES ON RUNWAY OR INTO WOMEN PUSHING STROLLERS, AND AFTER CAUSING MANY NOISY CRASHES, FIRES AND EXPLOSIONS, BAD GUY ESCAPES/IS CAUGHT.”] What do you say, producers? You can have a little soft music while this screen is shown, or not — your choice!

Here the movie can resume, with 90% of the cliches, 70% of the production expenses and half the running time excised from it. And to the world’s moviemakers and movie goers, I now say: You’re welcome.

The Thing They Tell You, and the Other Thing They Tell You

First they tell you one thing, then they tell you another thing. Have you, too, heard these contradictory “things”?

THE THING THEY TELL YOU: Park as far away from the Mall entrance as possible, so that you get some exercise walking to and from your car when you do your shopping.

THE OTHER THING THEY TELL YOU: Park as close to the Mall entrance as possible, even if you have to drive around for 20 minutes to get a good spot, to minimize your chances of getting mugged in the lot.

THE THING THEY TELL YOU: Always put your emergency brake on when you park, so your car doesn’t roll away.

THE OTHER THING THEY TELL YOU: Never put your emergency brake on unless you’re on a steep hill, to avoid wearing out your emergency brake.

THE THING THEY TELL YOU: Keep written records of all your financial information, especially your taxes, so that when you need to turn them over to your family (or a lawyer) some day, they’ll be easily accessible.

THE OTHER THING THEY TELL YOU: Keep all your records electronically, so you don’t waste paper.

THE THING THEY TELL YOU: Toss out all expired medicines; if you use expired ones, they can make you sick, or at least be ineffective. The dates are on the bottles for your protection.

THE OTHER THING THEY TELL YOU: You can use medicines, including over-the-counter ones, almost indefinitely. The dates are on the bottles so the manufacturers can get you to buy more.

THE THING THEY TELL YOU: Sign the back of your credit cards as soon as you receive them, so you can prove they’re yours.

THE OTHER THING THEY TELL YOU: Never sign the back of a credit card; if it gets stolen, now the thief has not only your credit card, but also your signature.

THE THING THEY TELL YOU: Let water run from your faucet for 5 minutes before drinking it, to make sure the lead and other toxins are flushed from your pipes.

THE OTHER THING THEY TELL YOU: Hold your glass under your faucet immediately upon turning it on, so as not to waste water.

What contradictory bits of advice have you heard? I have a feeling this is just “Part 1” of a series of blogs on this theme.

Mollie Tibbetts's Murder Proves We Should "Build That Wall"

Iowa college student Mollie Tibbetts was brutally murdered by a Christian recently. That should be the last straw.

When Timothy McVeigh, a Christian, killed dozens of innocent Americans in Oklahoma, our country did nothing about it. When two Christian kids in Columbine High School killed a dozen other students and a teacher, that didn’t spark any action, either. Christians have also murdered Alston Sterling, Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, Philando Castile, Jordan Edwards and too many others to name.

Speaking of “too many others,” how about the thousands of Americans whom Christians have lynched? (“Lynching,” to be clear, means, with no trial, hung from a tree, often after torture, and left to dangle in public to terrify black people.) 

The solution is obvious. We need security, people! We must build a wall to keep Christians out of our country. Or if we don’t have the guts to do that, at least deny entry to people from majority-Christian countries.

Who’s with me?

My 5 Possible Answering-Machine Greetings: Vote for Your Favorite!

Here are five greetings I’m thinking of putting on my home answering machine. Please vote for your favorite!

1.      “Thank you for calling Genie and Tim. All our representatives are currently busy being very quiet until the Jehovah’s Witnesses outside go away. Please leave a message.”

2.      “Hello, and welcome to Genie and Tim’s answering machine! We know your time is valuable, because ours is too, so you can keep calling forever, and ever, and ever; we’re still not picking up. Make it a great day!”

3.      “Happy Holidays! Due to a high volume of calls, you may experience longer than normal wait times while we screw around on the internet. Please leave a message.”

4.      “Welcome to Genie and Tim’s answering machine! At the tone, leave a message or press “1” for more options, which involve either hanging up, or simply staying on the line forever, and ever, and ever. It’s all the same to us.”

5.      “Hello! At the tone, call someone else. And have a blessed day.”

Take me off your calling list, and Have a Blessed Day.